I am just going to put it out there.
I am not qualified to be writing spiritual posts.
The feeling of inadequacy is a real theme around these parts.
I mentioned before that I am an “extrovert-in-exile.” I suppose that exile has left me feeling really unstable, unsure of myself, and left wondering what I have to offer the world.
My husband and I got married with one semester left to go in college. We were barely graduated when hubby was offered a position in his hometown. So, we made New Jersey our home, full of thankfulness for such a huge blessing of provision. With student loan debt (and no strong direction from the Lord) I decided to keep praying about further studies while diving into the work world.
A woman with an undergraduate degree in theology is not exactly a hot commodity, so I knew finding a job in my field would be unlikely, so I searched wherever I could. The doors opened for me to take on a position as a nanny, and it was a dream! I have been a nanny for the last several years. I LOVE my job. Like truly madly deeply love what I do. The littles I have had the blessing of caring after, and their sweet families have enriched my life in so many ways.
I hate that there has to be a but, and I wish there was a way to have a but that didn’t feel like it discounts all the beautiful, wonderful, gratifying, and joyful aspects of my life as it is. It doesn’t have to right? There is still so much beauty, so much thankfulness inside me, but with the sunshine comes the shadows.
But… I never imagined New Jersey would be so hard. I never imagined leaving the Christian college bubble would feel a lot like losing a leg. I certainly did not consider that being a nanny would put me in this interesting limbo where I don’t quite fit in with the rest of the working world and I don’t quite fit in with real moms, oh and I am taking care of a kid so the space I have for social interaction is pretty limited.
So it’s hard to say how it has happened. Did the dryness with God heighten this isolation and loneliness I have felt for the last few years, or was it the loneliness that made me feel abandoned by God? I don’t really know, and I am not so sure it even matters to be honest.
What I do know, is that it feels like the last few years have been a spiritual winter, it feels like I have little of value to offer because most days my heart feels frozen.
What I also know is that all those feelings are real, but what is more real, what is true, is that the Lord does not abandoned us, He will never leave us or forsake us.
What I do know is that my experiences are enough.
I know that God has uniquely created me.
I know that He has gently guided me to this leap of faith, this blogging experiment in the hopes that something about this odd extroversion of sharing my heart within the confines of this introverted season may break some chains and bring some healing.
I know that though I don’t feel qualified, God often uses the most unexpected people. So perhaps, even as I stumble in search of spring for my battered spirit, this journey, this vulnerability, may be of value to someone out there like me.
So I feel unqualified because of the dryness, because I have let self-pity allow me to neglect my soul. But I know that as I walk toward God, He runs to meet me. So this is my walking towards, with fear and trembling but with trust that as I come, God will come too, and that maybe you and I can link arms and walk toward together. What do you say?
photo by Kimon Maritz